Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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