I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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