how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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