Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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