last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
