I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
