I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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