my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
