Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
