I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
