I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
