update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
