After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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