I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
