Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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