3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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