That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
