i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
