if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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