I murdered the dance floor call the cops
one two three fourrrrnication!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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