I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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