Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
