Got a toothbrush?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
