Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I am naked and annoyed.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
