I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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