My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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