NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
