I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
