I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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