I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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