I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
