People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Actions speak louder than pants.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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