I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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