ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
