I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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