the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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