Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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