yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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