On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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