I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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