Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
