so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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