JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
