My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
