Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
then he tried to convert me to islam
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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