he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
