If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My pussy is not your playground.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
