my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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