Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
