chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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