my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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