btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
